Fuck spiders you guys!

I think about going 12 Monkeys on the earth a lot.
Kill every man, woman and child on earth and leave the cities to the beasts and plants.
Part of the reason is to save the environment from us all.
Part of it is to kill the people who are trying to save the environment from us all.

Because, really, there are some things on earth we DO NOT NEED.

Here is the top of the list:
1)Self righteous hippies.
2)Spiders.
If I had more motivation, I would design a "Fear of Spiders" heat map, which would create an index of size, poisonocity, and scariness to determine the worst places on earth for the Arachniphobes.

For instance, the poisonous version of the Australian funnel spider is the most aggressive of all spiders and is responsible for the most human deaths by far. I guess I'll never see the Sydney Opera house, all full of angry fucking spiders. There's also the Goliath Bird Eating Spider. They're only called bird eating spiders because people don't tend to leave their babies lying around on the forest floor.  

Jenny: "Dear Gawd, make me a bird so I can fly far, far from here."
Dear Jenny,
DO NOT FLY NEAR SOUTH AMERICA OR YOU WILL BE FUCKING EATEN.
Sincerely,
The Lord

 

Fear vomit. God dammit.

We don't need spiders.  Other things eat bugs for us.  

You choose:

I'll take the adorable bastard on the left to eat the bugs in my attic, and you can have the goddamn thing that sucks onto your face and puts an alien egg in your stomach, until Ripley rolls up with the flamethrower/grenade launcher combo and takes care of things.

Speaking of Ellen Ripley/Sigourney,

Can I watch one goddamned polar bear show without Sigourney reminding me these motherfuckers are losing their ice flow habitat because I turn the stove on in my apartment when I'm cold? Get out of my ass Weaver, maybe all these polar bears are dying because we're letting them drink Coke every Christmas.  I know it's the holidays, but let's at least get them the throwback kind.  All that corn syrup can't be good for them.  And let's not pretend like they're recycling those glass bottles.  If they're not gonna help themselves they can go fuck themselves and drown.

In general, I need all these ice-caps-melting hippies to shut the fuck up, because last I checked, burning Patchouli incense puts carbon into the atmosphere too you dildos.  I've changed my ways to reduce impact, but when you talk to me about it like I'm not doing enough it makes me want to melt a giant sheet of plastic over the entire fucking rainforest (in talks with Christo), or suck out the world's air with a Mega Maid.

Did you know if everyone in China and India started using toilet paper today, the entire world would have no trees in two fucking years!
Now the good news: Charmin has finally come out with conservationist TP.  Thank God?
All I'm asking is that until spiders are extinct, those adorable white fucks start drinking diet, and you all start rubbing your asses with the three shells from Demolition Man, it's all talk, and I just hope I get to share my Day After Tomorrow experience with Jake Gyllenhaal, that dreamy motherfucker.

Some new genetic laws

I just saw a woman who is WELL under 5 feet tall.

I'm sorry, but we need to have new restrictions on who we include as a dwarf, little person, midget, whatever. It should be decided based on how many out of a hundred people see a person and go,"Jesus Christ is that a person or a kid?"

Par instance:
Genetically, Danny Devito is perfectly "normal"

Get the FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Danny Devito looks like an Italian volleyball with eyes drenched in olive oil. We could probably get gas prices down if we would just ring out his sheets every morning.

I'm not saying we need to "confine" these people to a "tiny town," I'm just saying if I was 4'11" I'd WANT to move to Tiny Town so I could be the village giant!

It just doesn't make sense to me.  I'm 5'10" in pumps, and moving to the Midwest made me want to sleep in outer space (look it up, you get taller, albeit at the expense of your bone density (IT'S WORTH IT)) for a year.

When I go to a date rapist bar by Wrigley field with all the white young Republicans with an Asian fetish and dip in their mouth, I feel like Dudley fucking Moore showing up at an OTA camp. So please don't tell me that all these midgets want to live amongst us, with their booster seats at restaurants and their, what I imagine would be CONSTANT fear of being stepped on by talls (what they call us).

I wish I could pepper the tiny humans I grew up with all around Chicago so I wouldn't have to wear fucking Shape-Ups to look normal sized next to these corn fed Chicago monsters.
I'd put the following people from New York in play:

• The 5'7" guidos with Napoleon complexes. 
• 5'6" Irish kids who love Dropkick Murphys and Newsies hats.
• The curl inside yourself, 145lbs. soaking wet, does theater and math league,  5'3" Woody Allen Jews

FML (fuck my length)

Although, in Chicago's defense, their grand size means there are a LOT fewer people who find it self destructive to eat more than one meal per day at a buffet, that is, unless it's overpriced.

The thing is, midgets are really the last commonly existing piece of Vaudeville. The Traveling Big Top! The Freak Show!
Modern medicine, sadly, has stopped us from seeing snake girls, bearded ladies, Cheng's and Eng's, etc.  Worse still, instead of embracing the unique nature of these, pretzel men, and wolf people of the world by throwing nickels at them while they dance a Jig, I'm supposed to hold on to my change and pretend like this isn't a 450 pound beast-ette who looks Zach Galifiniakis. (who, by they way, you are GUARANTEED to come across when you live near a predominantly Italian and Hispanic populated nursing home)

Neighbor please.

Considering I don't look away when I see someone who is mutated just enough to be noticeable (anything from cauliflower ear to having one eye socket covered in melty skin) why should I be forced to look away when it's MORE noticeable? They're not going to forget they're the girl with the pin head just because I don't look at them. In fact, I'd say it reminds them more of what they are when we look away.
Like being the only black person walking up a street when all the white gazes go to the ground as you walk past them, it doesn't make you think "oh, well, if they're all looking at the sidewalk, it's probably cause the sidewalk is unsafe." WRONG.  Whenever anyone who's grown up knowing they're different has scores of people avoiding eye contact with them, they think "I must be the blackest midget penguin hands in the world!"  THAT is truly UN-AMERICAN.

Plus, and ESPECIALLY for the Littles, it's not REALLY a disability as much as it's a disadvantage of mass production. Stay with me here. I have a larger than normal skull, and it's impossible to find adequately humungous hats and sunglasses.  I'm sure it doesn't help that all the people who make hats and sunglasses are tiny Asian kids, so they're already the smallest version of the smallest people.  People don't look away from my gigundous skull.  Is it gross? Probably.  In a head on collision with no seatbelts on, am I more likely to survive as half a vegetable than you are? DEFINITELY.

Of all of the true  human mutants, the LEAST problematic would be midgetry. It's really just about finding a builder willing to put all the cabinets on the floor and install an Easy Bake oven. The point is, I'm sorry that midgets have to go to Kids R Us for their clothes, but it's not my fault for noticing a Munchkin wearing a Bob The Builder t-shirt. On the bright side, I heard Ocean Pacific is making some very adult looking children's clothes nowadays.

Being American isn't about pretending differences don't exist.  It's about KNOWING they exist and thinking it's AWESOME that we're lucky enough to have it like that!  If we lived in fucking China we'd have to order Chinese food EVERY time we didn't want to cook. Like all those people who insist that foreigners learn American, even though this is FUCKING AMERICA AND WE DON'T HAVE A NATIONAL LANGUAGE FOR A REASON - forcing assimilation isn't what America's about. We're about seeing a midget at the grocery store and saying, "hey Willow, you need help getting those frozen peas off the top shelf dog?  I got you."  After that it might be a good idea to suggest he pick up some Tofutti Cuties, since they're bite sized, just like him!

We're SUPPOSED TO BE a country of awareness and compassion.  This doesn't make us Socialists YOU TEA PARTY REPUBLICAN FUCKS, it makes us AMERICAN!

Give alms to the poor.  Help the lollipop kids step up onto the bus.  Take the dog boy out for a walk.

Be AMERICAN.

Life for me.

Some people might consider me in touch with my feminine side.  Some have gone so far as to say I'm, 'incredibly fucking gay for a straight man.'

Things I love:

• Scented candles.
• I've been known to purchase up to four (4) candles at a time from the Yankee Candle catalog.
• Scented soap making.
• My paraffin wax hand bath.
• Themed cake moulds..
• Autumn. Not Fall.  Fucking Autumn!
• Why do I feel like "autumn" only applies in places like Vermont and New Hampshire, and the rest of us just get "Fall"
• Making pickles! (Although this may be more about me being part Israelite and having an affinity for Amy Irving's hairdo in Crossing Delancey, but STILL)
• Talking too affectionately to dog.
• Kissing dog.  On the mouth.
• Beaches. The movie. 
• Midler in general.
• Sisters With Voices.
• My Netflix queue section called "Like: Legends of The Fall"

Also, I look like a Gay Bear and get Cruised upon approximately 1x per week.
 
I'm not going to apologize for being in tune with the wholeness of my personhood.  So you can all lick my balls.

At least I don't use the word "Foodie" to describe myself.  I would LOVE to imprison those people and only feed them Buffalo Go-Go Taquitos from 7-11. You're trying to tell people something about your evolved and refined desire to experience elegant and subtle foods, by using a word that sounds like a should be nickname for fat people.

"Who, John Goodman?  Sheeeeeeit, that nigga a foodie f''sho."

Cigar Aficianado -Wine Enthusiast - Foodie

When I think of a "Wine Enthusiast", I think of exploring vineyards in Napa Valley and fulfilling that dream of dining at The French Laundry. When I think of a "Foodie"  I think of 3 couples from Anaheim going to Friday's and ordering off the Right Portion Right Price menu because they LOVE Guy Fieri.

Get the fuck out of here with this:

"Hey, Guy, we're gonna do your official professional head shot tomorrow.  Please dress accordingly."

After hearing this, Guy Fieri spends the next day making sure he looks like Heat Miser had a kid with Cheetara from Thundercats. I mean, the man's trademark is having the same haircut as Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV.

The point is, stuff that's awesome is awesome, and there's no undoing that.  Cooking is awesome, making soap is like cooking except you rub it on your skin.  Bette Midler is awesome, like most Jewish Hawaiians I've known.
If that makes me a ho, then I'm a ho.
F'sho.

But so is he:

One thing I've always said about Lou Reed...

...is that he's what happens when someone's so good at the creativity of music, lyrics, songs, everything, but has a voice that sounds like a West Virginia coal miner at karaoke, and not in the good way. Everyone makes fun of Bob Dylan's voice, but anyone who can communicate with a grandparent post-stroke can understand what he's saying. Listening to Lou Reed's voice is like walking in on your parents porking as kid; it's horrible and takes forever to get out of your head.

Singing along to Coyote is like trying to play your wheelhouse Genus of Trivial Pursuit with a five year old and not fucking crush them in ten minutes.  I feel like one of the brats on Glee when I sing along to Velvet Underground, unnecessarily throwing in trills and shit out of sheer vocal boredom.

I'm not a vocal God.  I'm not even a grew-up-in-a-Southern-Baptist-choir-but-never-gets-picked-for-the-sweaty-hands-in-the-air-solo guy, but Lou Reed’s sound is like a drunk uncle forced his way to the wedding band mic and is ready to jam.  

This is not to mention that he is undeniably one of the grossest looking people ever televised. Lou Reed looks like the guy from Seven who gets starved to death but with Alan Cumming's face plus two hundred fifty years and wearing a black replica wig of Melanie Griffith's haircut in Working Girl.

And not to get off track, but . . .Elton John looks like Dane Edna.

Dear Haters,

Get out of my ass about making fun of people's looks -  Lou Reed and Elton John are both known dickheads who think they invented music (no disrespect to the partial truth of that)

It's time to start a music festival that only celebrates our most disgusting looking musicians. We're not talking about the Keith Richards' or David Bowie's where they look like a different species,but aren't exactly ugly.  I'm talking about a "Musicians Who Look Like Gollum" festival.

The lineup is: Amy Winehouse(obvious overlap), Madonna, Marilyn Manson, and James Taylor (as soon as he's finished playing the Musicians Who Look Like Turtles Festival)

The event will be hosted by Katie Couric and the pledge of allegiance will be sung in a guest appearance by Nancy "I won't vote to shut down NPR, my precious PUBLIC RADIO IS MINES! I KEEPS IT!" Pelosi.

I would say the two closers, and performers who most resemble Smeagol are as follows:

Modern Day Eddie Van Halen

(Are you fucking kidding me right now Van Halen?  You look like Superfly Jimmy Snooka in the last stages of his fight with AIDS (Snooka is fine, he does not have AIDS))

Representing the females, with infinity first place votes:

Amy Winehouse

 (You cannot be serious. You are the Sam Cassell of music.)

I can handle the ugly being famous.  In fact, I prefer it.  But we have to draw the line somewhere.

Let me zoom in so you know where to put the bar..

Last famous person on the list who's still above the line:

Barry Manilow

First person just below the line:

Everyone in Los Lonely Boys

Last person on any list ever:

Shane McGowan (Pogues guy)

You wonderful beast. I don't know how you got the mouth of a Baleen Whale, but I respect any person rich enough to get dental work who chooses to have his mouth be the inspiration for the toys in the 25 cent machine at the grocery store.

Here's to you, Monsters of Celebrity!