Kill every man, woman and child on earth and leave the cities to the beasts and plants.
Part of the reason is to save the environment from us all.
Part of it is to kill the people who are trying to save the environment from us all.
Because, really, there are some things on earth we DO NOT NEED.
Here is the top of the list:
1)Self righteous hippies.
If I had more motivation, I would design a "Fear of Spiders" heat map, which would create an index of size, poisonocity, and scariness to determine the worst places on earth for the Arachniphobes.
For instance, the poisonous version of the Australian funnel spider is the most aggressive of all spiders and is responsible for the most human deaths by far. I guess I'll never see the Sydney Opera house, all full of angry fucking spiders. There's also the Goliath Bird Eating Spider. They're only called bird eating spiders because people don't tend to leave their babies lying around on the forest floor.
Jenny: "Dear Gawd, make me a bird so I can fly far, far from here."
DO NOT FLY NEAR SOUTH AMERICA OR YOU WILL BE FUCKING EATEN.
Fear vomit. God dammit.
We don't need spiders. Other things eat bugs for us.
I'll take the adorable bastard on the left to eat the bugs in my attic, and you can have the goddamn thing that sucks onto your face and puts an alien egg in your stomach, until Ripley rolls up with the flamethrower/grenade launcher combo and takes care of things.
Speaking of Ellen Ripley/Sigourney,Can I watch one goddamned polar bear show without Sigourney reminding me these motherfuckers are losing their ice flow habitat because I turn the stove on in my apartment when I'm cold? Get out of my ass Weaver, maybe all these polar bears are dying because we're letting them drink Coke every Christmas. I know it's the holidays, but let's at least get them the throwback kind. All that corn syrup can't be good for them. And let's not pretend like they're recycling those glass bottles. If they're not gonna help themselves they can go fuck themselves and drown.
In general, I need all these ice-caps-melting hippies to shut the fuck up, because last I checked, burning Patchouli incense puts carbon into the atmosphere too you dildos. I've changed my ways to reduce impact, but when you talk to me about it like I'm not doing enough it makes me want to melt a giant sheet of plastic over the entire fucking rainforest (in talks with Christo), or suck out the world's air with a Mega Maid.
Did you know if everyone in China and India started using toilet paper today, the entire world would have no trees in two fucking years!
Now the good news: Charmin has finally come out with conservationist TP. Thank God?
All I'm asking is that until spiders are extinct, those adorable white fucks start drinking diet, and you all start rubbing your asses with the three shells from Demolition Man, it's all talk, and I just hope I get to share my Day After Tomorrow experience with Jake Gyllenhaal, that dreamy motherfucker.