We all know Africa has some violence problems

But I kind of find it offensive that the entomology community calls the most aggressive bees "Africanized." I mean, are these bees all black? Do the bees die in great numbers to supply the world's never ending thirst for diamonds? Do they run marathons and historically under perform at the World Cup?

I didn't think so. You just call them that because they're blood thirsty.

So, it is with a heavy heart, and on behalf of the non-anglo tainted, good-natured, chocolate delight we call the African people, that I must call Racism on bug science. . .

These "Africanized" bees, by the way, have slowly become the primary choice for many beekeepers because they're heartier and they have an increased rate of honey production due to their thirst for war. Let's stop calling them lazy because they're putting in overtime in these hives. In fact, they work harder than most, yet, in the US, the average Africanized bee still only makes 65 cents for every dollar a wasp makes.

It's 2011 people.

Another word on people born in Africa:

President The Rock, in his State of The Union address, said we need to "win the future."

I for one am sick of people making fun of this line. Some call it absurd and vague, some call it silly, I call it

FUCKING AWESOME

I think of myself as one of the most cynical people I know (you saps), but the motherfucking president is like "a call to arms my ninjas, we need laser rocket spaceships like now and IMing with your friends about what just happened on Glee from your IPhone ain't gonna teach you how."

But we ate this bullshit up.

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

We got this condescending bullshit from a sauced womanizing rich kid, but when a genius halfsy lawyer who came from nothing says "i encourage everyone to stay in school so we can stay on top of the world at building awesome shit" everyone's like

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS YOU SMARMY ASSHOLE!!"

You know what? (RUN ON)

You got that bumper sticker about your kid on honor roll at his school which is full of kids getting accolades for everything because if they don't get a trophy for picking their nose in left field and getting A's for writing shitty papers on oil and water not mixing because he's been tugging off for six hours because you don't know how to put security settings on a 12 year old's computer WHEN HE SHOULD BE STUDYING BUT YOU DON'T MAKE HIM BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SELF INVOLVED TO HELP HIM, that's why your kid's on honor roll.

The teachers don't care because we don't pay them enough, the parents don't care because they got treated like gold when they were kids and never told to do shit, and the kids have lived their lives getting fucking gold ribbons for showing up like they're the God-damned ghost of Di showing up at Prince William's fucking wedding.

When I turned sixteen, the little league team I grew up playing in (I was a horrible player, AND DEALT WITH IT BY THROWING DIRT BOMBS AND HANGING OUT WITH THE OTHER KIDS WITH NO ATHLETIC ABILITY) stopped having an All-Star game because they didn't want non-All Stars to feel bad about themselves.

How about this, fuck your kid. He should be studying, because he's not gonna play 3rd. Not even for the Pirates.

Now, with that said, although I think The Rock is the man, his (and everyone's) fear of China is unwarranted, at least in the long run, and here's why.

During the one child policy in China, something amazing (and totally NOT related to Chinese people drowning their daughters at birth because China values boys more than girls) happened.

The world average of 51% women and 49% men changed in China, and now thirty years later there are 6% more men than women . . . and in the eighties, the birth date differential was like 70-30.

BECAUSE China is insane, they have a policy of never saying no to their sons. Enter McDonald's.

Yes, McDonald's.

What does an urban Chinese five year old boy (which makes up 70% of all 5 year olds) want every day for dinner ?

Fucking Happy Meals with an extra large Coke.

In a country that's still largely malnourished, the obesity rate is 5% . . .

I have a sincere feeling that in about 25 years, China's gonna have somewhere around 100 million people losing feet and shit from diabetes, and their not gonna be too quick on the uptake by blowing people's minds with science. Rather, they're gonna be watching Chinese translated episodes of Prison Break and drinking Mountain Dew.

How do I know ? Whenever you provide low cost fried things to a group of people who are already addicted to greasy shit, you're gonna see some of the betes. Just look at the south.

Once you go below the Mason-Dixon Line (aka the IHOP-Waffle House line) you start to see hazardous waste bins in the bathrooms at the Golden Corral.

Why?

BECAUSE THEY'RE GIVING AWAY FRIED SHRIMP AND STEAK WRAPPED IN BACON FOR $9

Here's what I can guarantee if you go to an Old Country Buffet in rural Virginia.

1)Pimples
2)Single moms
3)Suspenders
4)People whose legs are bigger than their upper body.

Here's what I can't guarantee you'll see.
1)People with any self respect.
2)Teeth

In conclusion, once Chinese parents give in to their little yellow Louie Anderson's, we'll be back to worrying about India, who also won't do shit to us because they're too busy trying to be us (without the beef), which is also why we can't destroy them with McDonald's.

Let me go a little further. McDonald's is our greatest weapon against enemies, except in vegetarian countries. See the one benefit we have is that we've moved away from all that, and fucking Organic shit is now sold at Wal-Mart.

Slowly, we'll learn to un-diabetes/heart attack ourselves again, and return to physical and mental health, where we can form an alliance with the Japanese to live forever and crush our enemies with excessive dollar menu choices.

I think at this point. . .

I'm willing to say that anyone who talks about having gone on spring break like they loved it or will ever go on spring break (the MTV way) can all be put in a place for people like that and isolated from normal people forever. John Mayer won't have to travel as much when he's on tour, and most of us can be spared the vomit on the trains on St. Patrick's Day. I'm thinking we do this in Phoenix. Yes, first we will have to clear out the headquarters of the Dog The Bounty Hunter Fan Club, but that shouldn't be hard, all of those people are 300 pounds.

I imagine doing this in Phoenix for several reasons:

1)Already existing high concentration of these people means corralling fewer of these little beasties to ship in cattle traincars.

2)The sun, heat, and high breast implants per capita means other cities can save electricity on tanning booths, we can keep these skanky bitches from wearing tube top one pieces in the ballsack of winter with no coat (which incurs great cost to our already stressed healthcare system), and let all those girls that hated themselves enough in Lake Havasu '99 to do a full frontal strip tease on a boat in Girls Gone Wild: Unleashed get their slug lips, ass implants, and Mandarin Salad with walnut vinaigrette all in one place, THE DOUCHE CITY CENTER.

3)Arizona sports teams need a boost in fandom, and who better to take over that role than the children of these teeth whitening asshats? They're are the perfect combination of loyal in principle, dumb, and typically wealthy. That means even though you may not sell tickets when you're bad, when you're good every five years, Todd is gonna go buy a brand new Suns hat, and he's gonna buy Mandi a pink Larry Fitzgerald jersey.

4)There are no black people in Arizona. People like this can handle Mexicans, but not black people. We all know this, so lets' not get in a faux uproar about it. If your parents go see Glenn Beck's stand up at some suburban arena, it's not even your fault. Black people scare you because, unlike Mexicans, they share an American culture with you, and all the cool stuff belongs to them.

Like the girls who date girls until graduation, these kids want to date or bang one black person to validate that they're not racist, but still know their dad would never let one sleep in the house.

Mexicans, on the other hand, are typically so busy trying to get left alone by psychos like your parents that they nod and smile and say excuse me when they pass you. Plus, you spent four years living on microwave burritos in college, so the food is as far from hamburgers as your intestines are willing to go.

If you date or marry their daughters, their dads will throw a cotillion for you, and for years to come, your wife's grandma Rosa will fix you those taquitos you love almost every night, which will eventually lead to your premature death of a coronary, and the eventual Mexican Catholic shrine of your life, including the Virgin Mary candles you buy at the grocery store where they keep the Goya beans and Cholula. Basically you live in the movie Fools Rush In.

5)FUCK ARIZONA.

Along with these people, I'm willing and happy to give up on adult crack heads (I'm sorry crack heads, but unless your family wants to give you a locked basement to live in, Bubbles style, there's too much risk in keeping you around, and Arizona won't get cold so people can just throw out their old coats and blankets which is way easier.

Here are a few more groups of people I want to consider for the Arizona Project:

1)People under 30 with mustaches who aren't cops, firemen, or ambulance drivers.
2)People who tell you restaurants that suck are great.
3)People who wear berets.
4)White people with poop locks.
5)People who stand outside with petitions for things.

A word on this last group. In fact, an open letter.

Dear PETA, Green Peace, and anyone else who thinks I'm interested in whatever you have on that clipboard,

If they're not paying you, you're a fucking asshole. When I see you, I try to figure out the perfect timing in which to walk by you while you're occupied with someone else or try to figure how steep of an angle away from you I have to take for you to not get in my fucking face about your fucking environmental interest that uses 40 year old leaky fucking tankers to chase down oil rigs, spilling open ocean grease everywhere in the interest of the fucking sea creatures you assholes.

Oh what were you saying about dog fighting and chicken coop conditions?
Leather boots. Goodbye.

Do not try to shake my hand. Do not try to eye tractor beam me into considering your Green Party candidate for city council. We're in a Lesbian and east coast uproot neighborhood, so please, go talk to the opera singing hobo in the wheelchair, who's also saying shit nobody cares about all the time.

I mean, for God fucking sake man, you look like Will Smith got a Cree Summer wig and got adopted by The Ramones. Even if I was interested in whatever the cause was, I'm not interested in doing anything you're doing. Ever.

If you're partying at The White House smoking weed with Obama in the oval office and playing Monopoly with Sasha and Malia and you need someone to kill that roach and be the banker, I won't be there. I have no plans to hang out with someone wearing obviously non prescription octagonal tortoise shell glasses.

Don't make me fucking gun you down outside of a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert. Just put this bag over your head and get in the trailer, we'll be there in 12 hours.

Turning water into wine is pretty cool I guess.

But why didn't Jesus change more stuff into other, better stuff?

Did they actually cook all the food at the last supper or was Jesus like "hold on brohams, you see this pile of rocks? BOOM! YAWEH!

It probably looked like in Hook when Robin Williams finally realizes the table is full of pastel food fight food. The only difference would be that Jesus turned into shitty BC era porridges and boiled fish and shit.

Come on Jesus, can I get one hot pink frosted cupcake? Just one?

How did that fat black kid with the pom pom hat in Hook stop being famous?

He was the most adorable person alive at that time besides grill era George Forman.

To me, he was perfect, yet I haven't seen him in anything since Precious.

I never understand this shit about turning stuff into stuff, magic, 3 wishes and anything where all the person has to do is think for two fucking seconds and things become pretty clear:

If you're not allowed to wish for more wishes, you wish for world peace, complete happiness for all mankind, and to be lifetime king/queen of the world.

And it's not cause I'm a good guy thinking about Darfur. It's cause I want to rule the world and not worry about getting Regicide'd

You get to be king/queen of everyone on earth, and no matter what ill informed choices you make, the subjects are happy and nobody's in your shit because there's constant peace. You could be Kim Jong Il and everyone would be like "hey, grandma, I LOVE YOU."

BOOM.

But you'd probably wish to be able to fly.

Idiot.

If you had the choice to be able to fly (which implies anything you want it to with regard to speed, space travel, etc.) or be invisible (also implying anything you want like walking through walls, invisible wardrobe, ability to walk through museum lasers guarding Da Vinci's Codex, etc.) which would you pick?

Don't just say one and not think about it, it's fucking important.

If people were really magic, then what the fuck would the point be in a magic show for an audience? Go create magic in a bank and steal the money so you can buy your Aquanet and hairdye David Copperfield.

The tiger that ate Siegfried or Roy's head was named Monticore. Both men claim Monticore wasn't trying to eat Siegfried's frosty hair and skull, but RATHER, Siegfried had a stroke, Monticore, knowing something was wrong with his dad, did what any good white tiger would do, and pierced his father's skull and face in order to SAVE HIM, DUH.

I know the first thing I think when someone has a stroke is "release the clot, pierce his temples!"

And yes, I was raised by white tigers.

Speaking of white tigers, it's time to talk about another white tiger, the REAL white tiger.

For starters ladies, you know there are urinals in men's bathrooms. Your average guy goes in, unzips or pulls his pud through his fly, and takes a squirt. Quietly, quickly, and without causing a stir.

However, on the rarest of occasions, men may walk into a bathroom, see a line of normal piss at urinal situations, a bunch of dudes leaning slightly back with their asses covered by jeans, and all seems normal. . . . but as you look down the line, you come across something amazing. It's the one guy who's taken his pants down to his thighs, leaving his blanched ass facing the unsuspecting entrants.

The White Tiger.

Fuck.

Who's doing this? Is this taught? Inborn like a heart murmur?

I'm willing to accept the white cub as inevitable. Sometimes young lads just can't angle their little puds up high enough to the urinal without full teste exposure.

Grown men should be jailed for this.

Maybe the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life was my first viewing (at a Yankee game) of an ass panther. This forty year old black dude in a leather jacket with the elastic bottom is taking a piss, with his ass crack taco meat hair interwoven over his crack like a camel's eye lashes, just havin' a whiz and the time of his life, while the rest of the men's room is having fucking nightmares with their eyes open.

In general, we need to have some more men's room etiquette. If you have a son who needs to pee in a stall because he already knows he's embarrassed by his small dick, take him to the handicapped stall. If you smoke illegally? Handicapped stall. If you have to take a nasty shit? That's right, handicapped stall. These motherfuckers have had it too easy with their roomy studio apartment like shitters, sick parking spots, and never having to look for a chair. It's time to take something back.

Also, what's the deal with handicapped sinks? If I'm in a wheelchair, I need a sink closer to the ground to wash my hands, not Francis' pool bath from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

I'm crippled, not suffering from Elephantitis of the fucking hands.

I'm gonna put in a few calls to those motherfuckers at Kohler and Moen, someone's gotta stand up for the cripples, since they can't do it themselves.

Everyone is welcome to have an opinion

Especially regarding astronauts.

Some say the astronaut is just an airline pilot with a PhD.
Some say they're scientists with a flare for dramatic.
Still, some others say astronauts are cowboys, explorers, and frontiersman.

You know what I say?

Outer space is a fake out and all those guys and gals in the space program are MIT grads were systematically isolated by the government and got caught up in a Manchurian Candidate meets Bourne Identity meets Space Cowboys situation.

They're kept on a sound stage inside NORAD, where they're fed that oatmeal shit they eat in The Matrix, run on treadmills and blow air into those emphysema tubes, then get duped into believing they're flying in the sky while really they're in a room underground watching TV in bathrobes.

Why? Duh!

If we knew this was all there is, just the earth, just 6.5 billion hot, fat, sweaty, poor, ugly people chomping down on fast food that makes them hot fat sweaty poor and ugly, we'd have a mass fucking suicide on our hands.

Literally, any time I start to think about killing myself I just imagine that someday I might get to be like DB Sweeney (of Cutting Edge fame) in Fire In The Sky and spend two weeks getting proctologized by 7 foot tall gray aliens (understood to be the brains of the operation) with tiny pursed alien lips, and it helps me drift to sleep.

Then I imagine myself coming back to earth after all these experiments, and finding that by some accident in experimentation and anal probing, I've been given extraordinary alien powers, the likes of which were unknown to the aliens when they injected me with their alien DNA through my anus.

See, traditionally, aliens abduct pregnant women and inject the fetus with DNA as it's still developing, which allows the DNA to combine and give us hybrid children (you can tell because they all have a tiny Chicken Pox mark just above where the top of their right ear meets their skull.) Famous hybrids include people such as Dennis Kucinich, James Carville, and Steve Buscemi.

This time though, the aliens, thinking I would be a life long captive in a bug like grease bubble prison, injected my living tissue with alien DNA, expecting at best, a few favorable mutations.

Instead, what happens is (obviously) I become the alien/human version of Blade. Half human, half alien, all of the advantages, none of the weaknesses. I look like a man, but can telepathically connect to people, and become proficient with anal probes. I push open my prison bubble, go Scanners on two alien guards and pick up their weird electrified stick weapons.

During my escape, I find that my morphed DNA allows me to read their codes and words (because, like Monarch butterflies, their memory is collective and built into their genetic code) and I steal a gunship of theirs and hide it in my neighbor's pool.

I go into hiding for six months in the Siberian cabin Rocky trains at to fight Dolph Lundgren in R-IV, learning how to wield my powers appropriately, and of course, accidentally exploding stuff, endearing myself and impressing audiences with the magnitude of power these accidents display.

Then a bunch of landmarks get killed and people get exploded in big cities everywhere. Bill Pullman gives a speech, Randy Quaid flies out of lunatic jail and directly at the alien mother ship, and I save Mel Gibson's (another specialty hybrid known as an Austr-alien) asthmatic Culkin boy.

In the end, Judd Hirsch acts like a complete Jew and the world unites as a single people against aliens. A Black, a white, and a prominently displayed Muslim cab driver hug in Times' Square in the foreground of the sky explosion that is the downed invading mother ship.

Once everything is solved and fixed I'm elected King of the World and am a strict but benevolent master, enforcing peace with an iron fist, and condemning the intolerant and conservative to an eternal imprisonment in the floating space window pane from Superman II.

Or maybe astronauts are legit motherfuckers, but who can really say?