I'll be seeing Prince at Madison Square Garden in December

and when your special lady finds out Prince plays the Garden, you make any accommodations you have to, and you go.


Just as important, it caused a brain aneurysm when I remembered this:

Can you think of anything that could more aggressively say Fuck The Haters than wearing an outfit that looks like it's made of food colored tripe but has your buns hanging out.  We spoke yesterday on asses, but I think the only way to describe the ass of a man that short and tightly built is, Buns.

Hot Crossed Buns at that.

Prince and The Revolution
Prince and The New Power Generation
Prince and His Hot Crossed Buns
That sounds like it'd be a lock for a Food Network Emmy.

"Good morning, this is Prince coming on you from my kitchen.  Today we're making Raspberry Nipple ice cream and smothering it all over these hot crossed buns. (insert guitar lick from heaven, body gyration from Hell(women's faces go flush, men's sense of their own latent homosexuality bubbles over))

Commence sexual rebirth of America - Thank you Prince and the Food Network.
If you don't think it's possible, imagine the outfit he would wear and who would be at his table for the Christmas Special.  The only bad thing is you couldn't let your kids watch because kids would instinctively know that if Santa existed, Prince would have him there to carve the ham and sip a Coca-Cola through his little change purse Santa Lips next to Garrison Keeler, Kiss, and Marvin Gaye's ghost.

Commence sexual rebirth of America.  Commence mourning for Santa Claus myth. 
Commence condemnation of all television meteorologists for perpetuating this lie every Christmas Eve.

I hate high chairs at restaurants.  You know the ones, the stools with backs? I'm not a fucking baby man, don't put me in a goddamned baby chair.  No go get me a glass of chocolate milk.

Burger King used to have a bunch of these.  It was disgusting.  We'd go to little league and sometimes after them we'd go to Burger King and go Buck Wil' on an original chicken sandwich.  At that point you're almost too little for the high chair and getting into it is like getting into your one asshole friends' truck with like a 350 inch lift kit in it.  "No go ahead man, just step on the tire, grab the roll bar, then swing in the door."  When you're done eating you have to slide off the chair in your lycra pants and try to stick the landing.

Hey High School Truck Friend(from periphery of real friend group),

Listen dickhead, I know that people would make the terrible joke that you have a little penis, but I know from years of sports camp with you riding a broom like a horse naked covered in gold bond saying you're the ghost of Paul Revere that it's not a small dick, it's a family where you were the least important sibling, and you think you're too cool for the thespian troupe so you act out in real life whenever possible.

Enjoy the ride doucher.

Starbucks has a lot of douches on IPads

I mean, we all know that Starbucks is Dunkin' Donuts for early IPad adopters, stay at home parents with a baby in a mohawk winter hat and cabin fever, crazy veterans in wheel chairs who sing opera for ten seconds every fifteen minutes, but are otherwise harmless, and unemployed gay yuppies, but what you didn't know is that these people are a LOT more likely to take long, patient shits at Starbucks as well.  Disgusting, spring mix eating, tarragon flavored extra firm tofu smelling shits.

I think I want to conduct an independent study so I can do a report (and a really siiiiick 3D graph) that profiled the most frequently occurring commonalities between income levels graphed on an axis with age and income, with little hash marks where the percentage of those commanlities drop or increase.  HOWEVER, I want the 3Demensionality portion of my graph to show some kind of shadowing or really exciting effect demonstrating the percentage increase or decrease of income of their parent when at the same gender age - while accounting for inflation, etc.


This totally sweet graph would allow us to look at historical advances in race, gender, and inter-racial banging, and theorize about how long it took for that advance to grab hold of the American mind.  Lenny Kravitz and Slash hit the music scene, and less than 25 years later, we have a hybrid president.  Maybe it's a coincidence, but I doubt it.

I was discussing this very same idea with my good friend Lil' Baby Joel.  For white Americans, most of the ethnicities and races we identify with as purely American are the people who were rockin' the US in massive numbers when we were forced by Japan to go ape shit all over everybody in World War 2. (USA chant begins(and ends)).  I feel like pre World War 1(fuck Roman numerals, they're not numerals at all, THEY'RE LETTERS. (If I let Roman numerals tell me what to do, I could never work in medicine because I'd always think I was giving people saline through a number 4 bag.) It's a dead numeric system, let's move on. ("integers" chant begins)) Catholics, Jews, and always, most intensely and obviously black people were treated the worst.

Basically, when you think of the early 1900's, you think of two types of people.  Black people, Catholics, and Jews were wearing weird pleated pants and the pre-cursor to a wife  beater, the spaghetti strap undershirt,  They worked on docks, drank too much, and played cards.  They made up the bulk of organized crime syndicates, and they eat whole sardines out of cans and don't think it's weird.

The other type of people, rich people, were living in areas that had expensive Chaise Lounges, lion statues, striped in wide green and white, and willow trees with swings.  They own pocket watches and large pieces of furniture in their dining rooms that hold expensive dishes.  They make their servants wear white coats (and maybe still bang them?), etc.

Now, after such a long war, and the televised presence of Mexican people's inexplicable drive and pride in fighting for the country that refuses to acknowledge them as real Americans, I believe everyone's sort of stopped hating Mexicans and pretending they're all immigrants, and we've started going "holy shit that old guy's scorpion belt buckle is fucking awesome, I want to go Lady and
The Tramp spaghetti scene with him on a taquito."

For years, although obviously Americans, the fat booty stylings offered largely by the black community went unnoticed.  With our embrace, first of the tush largeness of Puerto Ricans, and eventually, their more hispanic-y cousins, Mexicans, male teens of all America's cornucopia of cultures thank God for the day the first thick girl decided to wear Yoga pants, ESPECIALLY when those spandexed hams are 2 feet above fur boots with pom-poms on them.  You find a 14 year old boy in America with free time, and he's at the mall prowling for a girl who's ass shelf is knocking nail polish off the shelf at CVS.

What I'm saying is, when we go to war with the man in the Member's Only jacket or the new chubby Korean who looks like a gamer/LARPer with his dad leading from his deathbed covered in tapes of Christina Aguilera concerts, I think that's when you'll really start to see even the oldest hillbillies realize that Sikhs are different than A-rabs.

Sorry A-rabs, it's gonna be a while.

How come John Laroquette isn't famous anymore?

Didn't we all love him in Night Court when we were kids?

Although, I guess, if you're on a popular sitcom and you're outshined by this man:

then you're pretty much on borrowed time no matter what you do.

I guess all we can do now is praise his work with Kirstie Alley in Madhouse.

And Kirstie Alley was in Victoria's Closet or whatever with your personal hero, the man I like to call Eric Nies 2.0, Mr. Dan Cortese.

That's right, I think it's time to bring him back into the mix.  Really, what did Dan Cortese ever do but make it possible for Joe Rogan and Tony Reale to become famous?  Nothing but good things if you ask me.

So let's get him back out of the tanning bed, tell him to pony up that luscious mane, and get his shit together, we're about to Re-Cortese the shit out of America. 

How could Dan Cortese ever fade is a "life is funny" question I ask myself a lot.  I have other questions like why does everything up to 1999 feel so fresh in my mind but yesterday feels like a fuzzy memory?

Why do I like the Boyz II Men version of Yesterday better than the Beatles version?

Who the fuck in this world uses Miracle Whip? 

Whilst perusing the condiments at Target today I learned that while they now offer cranberry something something PEANUT BUTTER, I still can't get Cranberry Mayo during the holidays.

Lick my ass Hellman's you pieces of shit.  Get your fucking life together.

Speaking of things you can't get, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PEPSI HOLIDAY SPICE?

I guess the one thing that we have going on for us is that the McRib is back. They only release the McRib for a limited time once a year in fall because that's when they do the annual tiny boneless pig slaughter.

Oh food science, is there anything you can't do?

Speaking of which, I saw Food Inc. the other week, and it got me thinking, haven't we grown enough human ears on the backs of mice and shit that we should be able to grow bacon on an auger plate?  That way, we can finally get people to use pigs for what they were originally intended; to be shrunken to teacup size and wear tiny hats and suits.

Speaking of pigs, hams, Christmas, why is everyone so mad about stores putting Christmas shit out so early?  I think it's great that as soon as the Halloween shit goes away they put out the Christmas shit, because then it means I get to bridge that gap of holidayless misery, leaving me only to have to cope with January 2nd to Easter, which, let's get real, Easter is a fuck all of a holiday anyway, but we're so thirsty for joy by then we make it like it's God's gift to man.  Although, I guess if you're actually Christian you think Easter is literally just that.


The point being - we should just have one massive yearlong holiday called the 4th of Julesus.  Christmas trees launched out of Mortar tubes.  Shaped fireworks of American flags waving behind a silhouette of Christ in the sky while the Boston Pops play Battle Hymn of The Republic and children open rifles sent from Uncle Samta.  Stockings stuffed with bandoleros.  Advent calendars filled with peppermint bark an cheeseburgers.  Eggnog striped with the blood of our enemies.

Perhaps it would look like this:

I SAID GOOD DAY

Remember when you're thirteen and white?

and somehow the movie The Crow, the Metallica Black Album, and I Get Around by Tupac all fit seamlessly into your image of what you're about as a person?

Metallica's "One" is a weird song to think you identify with because it's about a guy who's entire everything exploded off his body until he's just a silent lump of meat, but his brain works, and doctors do crazy experiments on him because they don't know if he's really alive in there or not.

And you're like "that's like me cuz nobody understands me."
The good news is that I grew up when I did because otherwise there's a possibility that if born ten years later I could have identified with Papa Roach or something, and then I'm pretty sure I would suck.

I hate 3 Doors Down (3Dub-D to fans) for manipulating me into loving their stupid song about soldiers in love.  Those assholes have my heartstrings by the nuts and I can't figure out why.

Something like 80% of people in nursing homes are on anti-depressants. So everyone in the room is admitting these people would be better off dead, and to keep them from giving up and withering away like they would and should we dope them all so they shut up.

Life is about tough choices, and I'm asking you to make a choice to start euthanizing these people. It's just better for everyone.As evidenced by this pros and cons list

Pros of killing old people:
1)US recoups trillions of dollars in ungodly amount spent on social security, medicaid, etc.
2)Utopian society begins like in Logan's Run. Everyone travels in tubes and wears sexy garments.
3)Unemployment goes down in heaven.

Cons of killing old people:
1)Prune sales drop to all time low.
2)Network shows with acronyms for names are cancelled.
3)Early bird specials go unclaimed.

I just feel like this is a no brainer you guys, really.  Old people are like Vampires, except they don't provide the one benefit of having vampires around: keeping the population of people who go to night clubs from getting too big.


Do vampires DVR daytime shows?
At least sweeps months are all when it's dark during prime time, so they're probably up for that.
Also, if you're a Muslim vampire Ramadan is pretty much a cake walk.


That just happened.

Since I went on a two week weed and sadness binge

And I know I haven't posted dick - here are some news jokes in the style of, news.

A couple in Georgia were surprised to discover their neighbor’s escaped pet buffalo in their swimming pool, because normally, he goes for the hot tub.

It was reported that an outbreak of bedbugs has occurred at the UN in New York: Extremely diverse bedbugs.

Paul the Octopus, who accurately predicted the outcome of several World Cup Soccer Matches this year, died on Tuesday.  He is survived by his wife Nadya and their 8 children.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has canceled a planned train tunnel project between New York and New Jersey.  As a result, people will continue to not go to New Jersey.

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. It will be available in stores and online November 9th, and in leaflet the week after.

The American Academy for Pediatrics is saying that pediatricians should routinely screen new mothers for depression, starting with mothers of ugly babies.

Brett Favre this week admitted to leaving voicemails trying to seduce an ex-model two years ago, but insisted he never texted her pictures of his genitals.  Sources say this is possible since Favre is so old he probably faxed a picture of his genitals. 

A new survey shows that women are uncomfortable with men who spend more than 190 dollars on the first date. Which isn't all that surprising, because you’d be uncomfortable too if you ate 50 Taco Supremes and 20 Mexican Pizzas.

Starbucks this week announced plans to recover recent revenue falloffs by beginning to offer wine and cheese in the evening.  If unsuccessful, Starbucks will begin testing on selling coffee at regular prices.