-At the United Nations on Wednesday, both France and Canada walked out during a speech given by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. They left not because of the hawk like rhetoric, but because the invitation requested business attire and they’re sick of seeing that member’s only jacket.
-At a speech given at the U.N. General Assembly on Wednesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that “the era of capitalist thinking and imposition of one’s thoughts on the international community” is over. He added “now I will control your thoughts through your televisions”
-At a speech given at the U.N. General Assembly on Wednesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cautioned that there are few ills that aren’t America’s fault, including but not limited to excessive word abbreviations and people with purse dogs.
-A man in Columbus, Ohio has been sentenced to 10 years in prison after he videotaped himself forcing his 18-month-old niece to smoke marijuana. The man pleaded guilty to one count of wreckless endangerment and one count of why would you tape something like you moron?
-According to some experts, simply washing your hands is not enough to stop the spread of influenza, including the H1N1 variety. The experts say hand sanitizer, gloves, or even mouth masks might be the best way to stay healthy and terrify people around you.
-In an interview with Larry King, Michael Moore said that “Capitalism…has proven that it’s failed.” He then returned to his mansion built by millions of commy dollars.
-The town of Bedford, New York is upset that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has set up a lavish party tent there as part of his visit to the UN, and have filed charges saying the tent violates zoning and land use laws, as well as reinforcing totally outlandish Arab stereotypes.
-A man in India chopped off his tongue and then danced until he collapsed to display devotion to a Hindu goddess. The goddess immediately came down from the heavens and issued a restraining order.
-A new survey has found that 95 percent of airline passengers feel that airfares are too high and 92 percent say flight delays need to be reduced immediately. It also stated that 100% of people would like to fly for free and use time travel to reach their destinations.
-A new poll shows that 75 percent of US adults think Americans are getting ruder, while 25% told pollsters to dick off.
-Sarah Palin on Wednesday appeared in Hong Kong where she made a speech to a group of global investors and talked about economics and US and Asian affairs, saying she thinks half asian babies are adorable, and probably cost effective since they’ll be good at math.
-Walter Breunin, who is the World’s Oldest Man, celebrated his 113th birthday on Monday. His family was there to celebrate with him, and he had no idea what was going on.
-A new book is claiming that because so many women “slipped phone numbers into his pockets” and whispered lewd suggestions in his ear, Michelle Obama gave the President the silent treatment, while his friends gave him the atta boy treatment.
-Police officers in Mississippi had to use a stun gun and handcuffs to capture an emu running loose on a local highway. While PETA has yet to cite specific animal cruelty charge, the officers who stunned the large bird are suspected of fowl play.
-A schizophrenic killer, who escaped from custody during a trip to a county fair, was recaptured Monday after three days on the loose. He will now be confined to the circus in his own mind.
-A woman from Alabama paid over 63,000 dollars to a charity for the chance to have dinner with Sarah Palin, making Sarah Palin the second stupidest person in the US.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Jokes
Senators announced Tuesday that they plan to introduce a fifth and hopefully final health care reform proposal this week. The Senators say they feel confident the bill will appeal to most of the lowest common denominator.
Because of Luke-warm weather this summer, farmers are saying harvests of pumpkins are down significantly this year, raising the pumpkin shortage level to orange.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg unveiled a plan Monday to ban smoking in the city’s parks, forcing many NYU to smoke their weed next to Washington Square Park.
In a new speech released, Osama bin Laden accuses President Obama of being a “powerless” shadow of George W. Bush. He then noted the shadow thing wasn’t a racist thing.
A new study shows that physically active people in their 80s are three times more likely to live longer than less active people, proving once again that sitting still kills you.
It was reported this week that the BBC is considering broadcasting the 2012 Olympics in 3D in order to give fans a more realistic view of being stabbed in the face with a javelin.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President Bush was released from prison Tuesday and said he would do it all again, except the part where he gets tortured in prison.
According to research that decodes vocal calls from pandas while they’re mating, males broadcast information about their size, while females advertise how old they are. The research also notes that similar to humans, both sets of information are total lies.
Catherine-Zeta Jones this month turned 40, officially making her marriage to Michael Douglas a December next December relationship.
Hugh Hefner said this week that he delayed his divorce from his estranged wife for more than ten years for the sake of their children. He then banged twins on camera.
Because of Luke-warm weather this summer, farmers are saying harvests of pumpkins are down significantly this year, raising the pumpkin shortage level to orange.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg unveiled a plan Monday to ban smoking in the city’s parks, forcing many NYU to smoke their weed next to Washington Square Park.
In a new speech released, Osama bin Laden accuses President Obama of being a “powerless” shadow of George W. Bush. He then noted the shadow thing wasn’t a racist thing.
A new study shows that physically active people in their 80s are three times more likely to live longer than less active people, proving once again that sitting still kills you.
It was reported this week that the BBC is considering broadcasting the 2012 Olympics in 3D in order to give fans a more realistic view of being stabbed in the face with a javelin.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President Bush was released from prison Tuesday and said he would do it all again, except the part where he gets tortured in prison.
According to research that decodes vocal calls from pandas while they’re mating, males broadcast information about their size, while females advertise how old they are. The research also notes that similar to humans, both sets of information are total lies.
Catherine-Zeta Jones this month turned 40, officially making her marriage to Michael Douglas a December next December relationship.
Hugh Hefner said this week that he delayed his divorce from his estranged wife for more than ten years for the sake of their children. He then banged twins on camera.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
What a glorious encounter
Today my neighbor who talks like Buffalo Bill from Silence of The Lambs and looks like Popeye's girlfriend Olive Oil with a 5 o'clock shadow told me that the reason our neighbors' angry little Chihuahua likes him and nobody else is because he meditates a lot and animals can sense it. He also told me he attracts squirrels.
My fucking face melted off.
No seriously, he looks half like this dude and half like, and half like Sam Cassell
It's like the world stopped turning for 7 minutes while I made conversation only to catalyze the unraveling of what had begun the other day when he told me(all in creepy voice) "I'm so happy I found a spot right in front of the building, I have some beautiful art someone was just getting rid of." I then saw him extract from the trunk of his silver 1997 Jetta two ENORMOUS gold frames which surrounded horrible sketches of a mammy type character and a weird white man, each sketch measuring smaller than a piece of paper; each diminished even further in size by the gold frames which took up more than three quarters of the total image.
Slowly, tick tock, tick tock, I will unravel this man's insane mind.
Is it his penchant for patterned silk button ups 4 sizes too big?
Is it his dental floss thin gold hoop earing?
Is it the piece of crystal he wears around his neck every day?
I'M NOT SURE BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHY THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING.. . .
Tick tock tick tock tick -
The man must go through three quarts of Silk milk alternative a day, his shits must look like schoolpaste.
Tick tock tick tock tick -
He only refers to Levi by saying "why hello little dog, and how are you today?"
Now, that's a little weird, but almost every time he waits four seconds or so and says something like "well everything's good" or "well there you go" TO THE DOG, as if he believes the dog answered him "oh I'm fine Olive Oil Bill, how are you?"
I may have to kill this man and make his body into a suit of skin so I can live as he does.
But you know what they say, God Bless the child that's got his own.
That's got his own . . .
My fucking face melted off.
No seriously, he looks half like this dude and half like, and half like Sam Cassell
It's like the world stopped turning for 7 minutes while I made conversation only to catalyze the unraveling of what had begun the other day when he told me(all in creepy voice) "I'm so happy I found a spot right in front of the building, I have some beautiful art someone was just getting rid of." I then saw him extract from the trunk of his silver 1997 Jetta two ENORMOUS gold frames which surrounded horrible sketches of a mammy type character and a weird white man, each sketch measuring smaller than a piece of paper; each diminished even further in size by the gold frames which took up more than three quarters of the total image.
Slowly, tick tock, tick tock, I will unravel this man's insane mind.
Is it his penchant for patterned silk button ups 4 sizes too big?
Is it his dental floss thin gold hoop earing?
Is it the piece of crystal he wears around his neck every day?
I'M NOT SURE BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHY THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING.. . .
Tick tock tick tock tick -
The man must go through three quarts of Silk milk alternative a day, his shits must look like schoolpaste.
Tick tock tick tock tick -
He only refers to Levi by saying "why hello little dog, and how are you today?"
Now, that's a little weird, but almost every time he waits four seconds or so and says something like "well everything's good" or "well there you go" TO THE DOG, as if he believes the dog answered him "oh I'm fine Olive Oil Bill, how are you?"
I may have to kill this man and make his body into a suit of skin so I can live as he does.
But you know what they say, God Bless the child that's got his own.
That's got his own . . .
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