Over-rated things Chapter 4: Presidents

I know we need a president, however, both of these hoes are extremely disappointing candidates. If I could, I'd vote for Kevin Kline in "Dave" or for Bill Clinton (the real first black president) as lifetime King of America. Clinton, by the way, currently serves as President of Harlem, where his office is. I once saw a video of him fist bump someone on the street AND blow it up after. That being said, I'm going to vote for Obama again. Not because I love him, but because I think we all know he took over a cluster fucked country, and I'm willing to give him 8 years to try to unfuck it his way, AND because we need to stop being friends with an increasingly trigger happy Israel. Also, because Romney's take on China would make our smart phones and computers cost $700, and I NEED A NEW iPHONE.

Now, let's discuss the 2nd debate. For those of you who didn't watch, here's a quick layout:

• This was a "town hall" style debate. That means no podiums, just two chairs and an open stage to talk on, with clocks behind them, so the audience can see when they've run over (by like ten minutes on every fucking question).
• The questions and answers were supposed to be geared towards "home", tax policy, jobs, etc.
• This was expected to be the debate for both candidates to try to solicit the female vote (which is hilarious since they were both super rude to the female moderator, aggressive and at one point were actually physically circling each other like they were about to grow antlers and ram each other)

That being said, let's get down to some RealTalk.

First, let's address the general bullshittery of both of these men.

You know how, especially with rappers, the further they get from the time when they were broke, slingin' rocks, etc., the harder it becomes for them to make quality albums reminiscent of that time i.e. Eminem, SnoopLion. Same with these two. Obama likes to say Romney's out of touch, and he is. But so is Obama. Say whatever you want, but Obama's about as far away from feeling the plight of others as Romney is. The only difference between them is Romney never knew that feeling in the first place.

Both of them need to answer the fucking questions people ask them. I know you planned out some great talk tracks, but you can't just say "manufacturing rules, outsourcing drools" or blame each other's parties for holding people's tax breaks hostage when someone asks how we're going to keep jobs in America. Tax breaks and jobs are different things you asshats.

President The Rock:

• You're using the same fear tactics the Republicans used to try to keep you out of office 4 years ago. Obviously it didn't work. Get a new strategy. Especially because it makes you look like a dick.
• You play with numbers more than the kids on Sesame Street (which, at least you'd continue funding for).
• You can only blame everyone else so much. Bush this, republicans that. Let's be honest, you did have a democratic super majority and only kept your word on like 1/3 of what you promised, most of which would have passed.
• Yes, it's pretty shitty that Romney tried to score political points about the murdered Ambassador, twice. Still, you and yours fucked up, probably lied about the cause of the murder to save your ass, and I'm not 100% sure giving Romney the stink eye for bringing it up came from a place of real rage, or practiced sadness/rage.

Mr. Mittens:

• Your rudeness comes from a place of entitlement, instead of Obama's place of "you don't talk over me, I earned this", which, by the way, is no excuse.
• Romney's economic stability/growth numbers are just as false as Obama's, but he say it's worse than it is, and Obama says it's better. 
• I'm sorry, but literally EVERYONE in the finance sector who doesn't work for Fox News knows full well Romney's tax plan won't work.
• Sorry dog, but that healthcare plan you got done as governor is quite literally the SAME as Obamacare. Not similar, THE SAME.
• By now, we all heard the "binders full of women" comment. I know everyone wants to blow that up, but I don't see how getting a binder full of qualified women for state cabinet placement is sexist. It's not true, but it's not sexist either. The PROBLEM with what he said is that the way he described it means he would be firing perfectly qualified incumbent men to replace them with women. It makes me feel like he probably also asked for a "binder full of negroes from the NAACP".

In defense of both men:

President Barry:

• You walk with swagger like a normal dude, even though you talk like a politician.
• You dropped science on both parties when you took office, and that was badass.
• The world hates us less with you in office.
• You think Israel is as crazy as Iran, and you're correct (shut up I'm part Jew).

Romnizzle:

• You've gotten two obviously liberal moderators, and this debate was held on Long Island, one of the largest populations of democrats in a non-city, MOST of the people asking questions were trying to make you look stupid.
• It's not your fault you're wealthy. It's not your fault you ran a company that was a "pioneer of outsourcing". Who fucking cares? You were doing what was best for his clients like you're supposed to, and as far as I can tell, you did that. It should be considered an attribute, not an albatross.
• Look, you fucked up with that "act of terror" in Libya thing, and looked like an obnoxious asshole doing it. Obama even tried to give you a pass on it at first. That said, we all know what you meant, and we all know full well that 5 days later, Obama's guys were still trying to sell the anti-Muslim video protest thing, most likely because they were sweeping it under the rug to avoid a points drop in the polls for The Rock. 

So, listen readers: while you're all blowing up Facebook espousing your views on who's a piece of shit running for president from the debate last night, let's remember a few things:

• We live in a country where candidates from a racial minority (13% of the population) and a religious minority (2.1% of the population) can run for president. Even though they acted like douchebags, that probably won't happen anywhere else in the world for 100 years, if that.(not clear)
• They BOTH want us to win the future, succeed, and continue to be the best country ever. They're both good people trying to make it better for all of us, not some of us, they just have wildly different ideas about how to do it.

No matter who runs this country, we need to never forget that as far as the world is concerned, we're all in the 2%, so stop acting like fucking dicks and blaming the President, Republicans, your ex-boss, your parents, or your college loans for your problems. A lot of our lives are not awesome, but you know whose lives are less awesome? People in Malawi who die of malaria because they don't have the two US dollars it costs to buy a mosquito net for their bed.

Oh, you were the assistant director of some company that kept promoting you because you thought you deserved it? There's a job at the movie theater, or a job selling bar towels, pick one and shut the fuck up. Mexican kids can't go outside anymore for fear of finding a human head rolling up their dirt walkway and splashing blood on their 10 year old sneakers (most likely Avias (or Sambas)).

If the founding fathers knew what the two of these guys have done in their time as politicians, and given how things went down back then, they'd both be tried, and probably hung for treason, along with 80% of congress. They betray us in defense of themselves. They betray us in support of this company or that. They betray us, and they do it a lot.

I'm just saying, I know there are some people who still love Obama, I know (although don't understand) people loving Romney, and even if you don't like either, you have to vote.

However, I say we all get together for a write in vote...

McCain/Biden for double president

List of things that are over-rated: Chapter 3:

SEX THINGS:

The 69: I've never been a great multi-tasker anyway, but who can remember to keep a tongue rhythm when you're trying to balance a human body on your fat gut with your nose half an inch from a butthole? People looking to check shit off their list, that's who. If you've experienced a 69 and enjoyed it, you're either lying or some kind of vaginal savant. And ladies, do you really want to be  69'ing someone who's so good at it that he must be out 69'ing every chick he meets to make sure he gets his technique down pat? Maybe you do, whore.

Threesomes, foursomes, and more-somes: Not that I know from experience, but this might be the most terrifying thing possible to me. Instead of getting off thinking about a harem of beauties waiting anxiously for me to take my pants off, my penis turtle-heads at the thought of being naked in front of women with the lights on. I imagine them looking at my garbage with extreme disappointment, saying they think they left their oven on and leaving.

Sex to music: This is for creeps and men who wear gold bracelets. End of story.

Porno: I know we've covered this before, but porno, especially modern porno, is terrifying, and by and large, is insanely fucked up.  When I was a kid, porno was awful because of the perms and mustaches. Now it's awful because boys will grow up thinking a girl can't have an orgasm unless you spit in her face and choke her with a belt.
The thing that worries me the most is that as our genders become more egalitarian in regular life, the sexuality of sex (that's a thing now) will become what the porno is: The serial killer's dream in The Cell. Maybe it already is.
The #3 ranked female fantasy is referred to as "Force Fantasy." This includes rape, consentual drugging, collars, leashes, commands, etc. You think women dreamed of being treated that way in the 40's when they were already getting that fix from the rest of their daily lives of subjugation? They probably fantasized about being left the fuck alone to masturbate in the bathtub for once. Now women are just praying a hot guy roofies you so you can have the nasty sex you want without the "I'm a slut" guilt that follows.
Ladies, I understand. Get what ya need. But when you're getting anal with a knife to your throat and loving it, just remember that porno and 50 Shades of Grey, or, as I like to call it "Porno for moms who read like children" had something to do with it.

Finally,
One night stands / "Strange": I've never gone strange, but who wants to? Does it matter how good looking the person is? No matter what you do, you'll have to hope your memory's good enough to have that stored for the rest of your life, cause you'll never get it again. It's a no win situation. Either the sex is awesome and you can never find the person again, or the sex is a huge fucking letdown AND you didn't get to go buck wild out of 10 Meximelts with your friends. LOSE-LOSE BRO.

Look, I'm not saying we should be porking through a hole in the sheet, and everyone's allowed to do whatever they like to get they-selves off, but, let's stop pretending anything to do with sex is awesome. It ain't, so stop the lies.
I SAID GOOD DAY.